Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Peeps This!

Psachya writes:
Just finished my season, & thought I'd pass on a couple more "peeps" (don't blame me, you started this up again) -

- The Hurry-Up-and-Slow-Down Rabbi - this is the mesader kidushin who arrives 45 minutes late, brings the wrong ksubah, takes forever to get the right documents signed, & keeps the guests waiting by the smorg for TWO & A HALF HOURS, leaving guests to mill around long after all the food is gone, with the band scrambling to dig up ancient boring-smorg-music. Then, about 20 seconds after the badeken, he's screaming at the bandleader, "Why aren't you guys set up by the chupa yet? We'll miss shkiah!!!" We run into the chupa room, set up feverishly, only to wait another 20 minutes for the ceremony to start. Meanwhile, the rabbi is telling anyone who will listen that if they miss sunset, it's all the band's fault. (True story - only a slight exaggeration.)

- The "Holy Neshomele" - a variant on some previous peeps. This is the guy who comes up to you at any point during the dancing (and occasionally during benching) and yells, "C'mon! Play "yay-di-di-da-ay yay-di-di-da-ay!" (the now-ubiquitous Neshomele Nigun). He inevitably assumes you don't know the tune, so he has to yell it loudly into your ear. He is then mortally offended if a) you don't immediately launch into it, or b) you don't play it for at least a half-hour straight, in every conceivable tempo, or lack thereof. (I'm waiting patiently for this particular trend to run its course...)

- The Matisyahu Fan. Related to the Blue Fringe Fan, the Beyond Eden Fan, the Moshav Band Fan, the Chaim Dovid Fan, the Yosef Karduner Fan, and the Aharon Razel Fan. No knock on any of these guys - just don't expect the average Jewish club-date band to duplicate their sound or automatically know their entire repertoire. (Maybe that says more about us than about them...)

- The Ambassador. This guy (or gal) says, "The groom (or bride) wants you to start a dance set RIGHT NOW!!" This, 30 seconds after the bride (or groom) personally came up to the band and informed us that their feet hurt and they want some nice quiet dinner music for a while.
I've got some more too.

The "Renegotiator". The "Renegotiator often, although not always, works for a tzedaka organization. After the gig, they'll try to get the musicians -- who may just be playing the gig for an office and have no idea of the price charged -- to reduce the fee and/or donate a portion of their earnings back to the organization. This doesn't happen too often, but it's quite uncomfortable when it does. Especially when the band/musician is already playing at a discounted rate.

The "But It Cost Less Last Time Guy". This is the person who calls you for a gig and insists that you charged them much less last time. Even though you have the contract and cancelled check from the last time around.

Note, sometimes the "Renegotiator" attempts the "but it cost less last time" manuever too.