Been A While Since I Posted One Of These

Peeps you see at gigs.

"The Bored Guest"
This wild-eyed yeshiva guy with a smashed hat is bored at his friend's engagement party. Socially awkward, he doesn't really feel comfortable eating petit fours and making conversation with other guests. So, he'll come over and nudge you to totally change the pleasant vibe and play a dance set because "the chosson wants to dance". This, despite the fact that the chosson told you they may not even want any dancing at the party and certainly don't want a dance set just then. A quick demurral, with a statement that you can't start a dance set without the express direction of the ba'al simcha scotches his plan and leaves him wandering the party awkwardly.

"Don't Worry We Hired Someone Else"
We've run into a few of these peeps over the years. The most recent one saw us playing a Simchas Beis Hashoeva gig on Sukkos and took our card. "We're always doing events locally and I hadn't realized you did this. We'll definitely call you for the next one." Flash forward to Chanukah and we bump into each other. "We had a last-minute party yesterday afternoon. I'd have called you, but I lost your card. Not to worry we hired "X" instead." Because it's super hard to find someone in your neighborhood who you know personally if you've lost their card. Thanks for the comforting knowledge that we needn't worry because you found someone else.

It's Peep Season

Drama Mama

This peep will come to a Motzei Shabbos Melave Malka at a hotel where the extended family has been celebrating a simcha all weekend. She'll be upset. The reason? At this specific meal, her son -- (the ba'al simcha) has not yet talked to her in the first 20 minutes or so. When the woman she's venting to in front of us says "he probably didn't see you yet, should I get him?" she responds: "No. I want to see how long it'll take him this time."

Who Are You
This peep is someone we've grown up with on our block or else have been in yeshiva with for a time. We'll recognize them on sight, but they won't recognize us at all. Eventually, they'll come over to offer a compliment on the music, at which point it becomes perfectly clear that they don't know who we are, despite watching us play for a while.

More Peeps

"The Break Music Guy" This peep is the one who will come over while the band is on break and some music is playing through the PA and remark "oh, so the keyboard plays itself!" or "so you guys just play along to recordings!" or another similar comment. It's always a guy, for some reason. "The Back of the Room Dancer" This peep can be spotted singing and dancing along to the music at the back of the room. She (it's always a she) can often be found attempting to lure her boyfriend/significant other, or even sometimes girlfriends onto the dance floor. Although she is often unsuccessful, we appreciate the positive feedback about song choice.

Recent Peeps from Da Hood

It's been a while... "The Negotiator" This peep is very wealthy, but can't help lowballing anyway. They'll call for a small gig and when you quote a very fair price, they'll offer your mitzvah gig rate and claiming that that's the budget they can offer and that even that will be split between both families making the simcha. IOW, they're willing to pay half of that total. We just turn them down. Naturally, the negotiator will call back offering more. We turn them down again. In the end, relatively last minute, we take the gig at a small discount that is still within the range we usually get, and well above their offers. Naturally, when we get to the gig, it's quite the affair, with fine cigars, expensive hot catering, etc. After the gig, the negotiator makes sure to ostentatiously pay us, and then adds a tip, bringing it back to $20 less than the initial quote. $20 to create a negative impression. Well negotiated. "I'll Never Use You" This peep is a real charmer. Over the course of the event, he'll respond positively to numerous song selections, coming over to sing loudly along demonstrating his approval, giving us smiles and thumbs up signals and saying nice things about the music when we take a break. At the end of the gig though, he'll come over, introduce himself, and say: "just so you know, I'll never hire you." That's because he's a die-hard Soulfarm fan and there is simply no alternative, as far as he is concerned. He just had to make sure we knew that. Um, ok.

Peeps in the mailbag...

A. writes: Got a few peeps of my own all from one chasunah. "The loud key-changer" Violinist leads the guests who are singing the Alter Rebbe's Nigun (at a Chabad wedding) to the badekenish. Until one very large and very very loud singer becomes the leader, moving the entire crowd from D to D# and eventually to E. Poor violinist tries to override him, then tries to play along, then gives up. "The faster faster guy" Beginning of the 2nd set, band is about 2 minutes into an upbeat funky hora medley, crowd is having a great time. One younger brother/cousin/nephew/friend starts yelling at me to play faster. When ignored, starts gesticulating wildly. Still ignored, actually gets up on stage to yell right next to me about which fast songs I should play right now and everyone will go wild. I resist the urge to go punk rocker on him; anyway I'm wearing earplugs so his ranting is barely detectable. Eventually he gives up and disappears. "The interminable tribute/parody singers" Two family members play instruments, so we've agreed to let them take over on guitar & drums, and sing a tribute song they've written TTTO "Just One Shabbos." Except it turns out it's the 2 musicians plus 3 singers and the monitor mix is totally wrong for them, so it's a complete trainwreck, at about 80% speed, with even more verses than the original. Oh well, at least the band got 15 minutes to get dessert and drinks.

Peeps!!!

"The Break-Dancing Photographer"
This peep comes running over at a yeshivish wedding and asks us to break down "Keitzad Merakdin" into Hip Hop, because he wants to get into the middle and "really bust some moves!"

Um, you're hired as the second photographer, not featured club dancer. I'm pretty sure the clients will want pictures of their other guests dancing "Keitzad Merakdin".


"'Mahapecha Shel Simcha' Guy"
This peep wants the bandleader to DJ a song during the dance set. Again. And again. And again. The same song. And, when the band takes a break after the set, again. And while we're packing up, yet again. It's a fun song, but really now...

Peeps Again!

"Bad News Bear"
This peep loves to be the bearer of bad news. She's the one who has to come over during a kumzits at the end of a wedding to inform the singer mid-song that Yosi Piamenta passed away. True story. Now, keep smiling and start another song!

"Knows His Key"
This peep knows what key he sings in. But, he doesn't know the name of the key. So, it's not F# minor, but rather, "one lower than G minor." An oddly endearing quirk.

"Doesn't Know the Words"
This peep with a good voice will always get up and sing at events he's at. For some reason, the guests always want him to. This even though he butcher's the words EVERY time, no matter the song. Whether it's Vezakeini or even Shir Hama'alos, he can be counted on to screw it up. And yet, they applaud and the next time, ask him to do it again.

"My Family Has Yichus"
This peep takes twenty minutes at the beginning of his Sheva Brachos speech to let the guests know EXACTLY who his family is. A full accounting of all rabbis, successful businessmen, etc. must be given. Seriously, twenty minutes. I timed him.

"7 & 3/4 Guy"
This peep leads the singing in between Sheva Brachos blessings. He will drop an eighth note at the end of every phrase. Consistently.

"Sheer Pantsuit Lady"
This feisty eighty year old will show up in an effectively sheer pantsuit. I say effectively because it wouldn't have been see-through if she'd worn something light underneath it. The black bra and undies though...

"The Seforim Holder"
This guy comes to the fundraising dinner for his Gap year yeshiva carrying a sefer ostentatiously. He never uses it that night (or possibly much ever).

"So, I Married A Hooker"
This guy brings his wife, dressed in loud flashy revealing clothing and stiletto heels to the same yeshiva dinner "Seforim Holder" is at. All of the other wives are dressed in modest attire, as expected.

"The Sheet Music Reader"
This peep will take advantage of the band's break to get up on stage and flip through the band's charts. Then, he'll come over and ask specific questions aimed at demonstrating his comprehension of the charts. Um, yes that polyrhythmic instruction at the top of the chart does mean exactly what it says, and we do play that tune in F#. And, thanks for going through our stuff!

More peeps

"The Idiot Photographer"

This peep has no self awareness or self control.

When I play smaller events, with just a keyboard/small system, I occasionally skip bringing a mixer, and simply plug my vocal mic into my keyboard and run the keyboard directly into my powered speaker setup. Up until today, this worked great.

However, when this peep is around, the system has a flaw. That is, when the Bat Mitzvah girls friends are singing their a cappella song about the Bat Mitzvah girl on the mic, said peep will go over to the keyboard and start banging on it along with them. The few 'out of key' right handed flute notes were annoying, but when he triggered the full-on arrangement of "Te Pego" with his left hand, the presentation was done.

Since there's no way to have the volume of the keyboard off, when the mic is being used for presentations in this setup, musicians need to keep a sharp eye out when the "Idiot Photographer" is on the gig.

"The Hapless Videographer"
This peep, who is not connected in any way to the "Idiot Photographer" will show up at the gig and discover that his camera isn't working. Naturally, he won't have a backup. Also naturally, he won't tell the client or call a colleague for help. Instead, he'll walk around pretending to shoot the gig, only to tell the client at the end of the gig that something went wrong and the footage is gone.

"The  Clueless Booker"
This person will text you to ask if you're available. When asked what time/where the gig is, there will be no response. A few days later, they'll text again, asking about availability. The same exchange ensues and they drop the conversation again. A few days later... same thing. Just had three with one such peep, but had more with someone once.

The Peeps Are Out In Force Again!

Vafilu Behastore Guy
 No need to describe this peep. The name says it all. He needs to sing "Nigun Hastore". Many times. Doing the A section four times each time through. Then doing the B four times to end. Genug!

The Dinner Singer
This peep comes over with a laundry list of songs he wants to sing during dinner. Four-five at least. Wishes Chayil, Carlebach's Mimkomcha. Yes, the long one. Vezakeini. And more.Naturally, the chosson "wants" him to sing. For real. Also naturally, he wants to finish his set with "Nigun Hastore." Of course, with all the extra repeated bits, as his friend we just mentioned likes to do it. Oy!

More Peeps

"What Intro Are You Playing" Guy

This yeshiva bochur NEEDS to know what rock/pop song/riff you're going to play as a fanfare to introduce the chosson and kallah. No waiting for him; he abhors surprises.

"What's His Name"
This peep needs to know the names of every musician in the band. He's best friends with "Who's The Drummer" guy and "What Intro Are You Playing Tonight" guy. It's always guys.

"Where Are You Tomorrow"
This peep needs no explanation, just a helpful tip as to where he should go panhandle tomorrow.

"The Critic"
This fine peep comments on how you play, comparing your playing to previous occasions he's heard you. Sample quote: "Nice version of Hamalach you played tonight.  Very majestic!"

"The Pervy Mashgiach"
This kashrut supervisor hangs around with the event staff trading masturbation jokes and other such repartee....  then he moves on to making jokes about rabbis issuing lenient rulings for cash...

"Canada Dry Guy"
This wealthy peep is quite the character. Walking in to a gorgeously set room at an event he's hosting, he can only see imperfections, finding fault in all sorts of arbitrary ways. He was most disturbed by the fact that the caterer had suppled Seagrams ginger ale instead of  Canada Dry. The caterer says he has another brand on the truck. No sir, Schweppes is not acceptable either.

"K-Pop Fans"
These yeshivish peeps happen to love K-pop, so that's what they want for their wedding. A K-Pop fanfare to introduce the bride and groom. Betcha Jang Geun Suk never imagined their music at Ateres Avrohom!

"The Mixed Dancers"
A pumping band. A rocking young yeshivish singer, who has jumped of the bandstand and is dancing in front, interacting with the nearby men's circle as he sings right next to the potted plant mechitza at this MO affair. Two middle aged ladies, right on the other side of the foliage, watching him, commenting about how good he is, dancing right along with him, responding to his moves as he does his thing! They are dancing with him, even though he has no clue.

Recent Peeps

"I'm The Ba(n)dleader"
This peep will hire you t play a family event. He will spend the entire evening micro-managing the music, telling you exactly what songs to play, and when.

He's not concerned with the niceties/conventions of finishing a song before tarting the next one, which songs will work well for dancing, etc. He won't let that stop him. You'll do what he says, when he says it.  Now. Not in three more measures at the end of the tune.

"Sneak Photographer"
This peep will stand near you and snap pictures, but only when she thinks you're not looking. Whenever you look at her, she'll avoid eye contact, and pretend to be checking her phone as she lurks.

"Sheet Music Thief"
This peep wants some sheet music. What better way to get it than to remove an entire dance section from one of the band's binders while the band is on break? Stay classy Mr/Ms thief.

More Peeps

Some more peeps for y'all...

The "Flamboyantly Gay Simcha Dance Leader"

Because nothing says "welcome to ol hamitzvos" like a flamboyantly queer male dancer leading your  Bar Mitzvah boy and his yeshivish classmates in simcha dancing.


The "Lesbian Yeshiva Boy"
This peep is stylin' for cuz's frum wedding, dressed like a 7-8 year old yeshiva boy. White dress shirt, matching pinstriped slacks and vest, with no jacket. Oh, and she rocks the payes. Long ones, like the yeshivish kids all have.

The "Can't Count Teacher"
This peep will hire you to accompany her kindergarten class at graduation. At rehearsal the week of the event, you will discover that she's taught the kids one song in 4/4 with an extra bar of 1/8. In another, she's got three dropped beats somewhere in middle. She'll also count in the songs in 3/4 even though they are all in 4/4.

Peeps of the Day

"Tritone Guy"
This peep sings at the chupa. It's a high-end affair and everything has been perfectly coordinated in advance with the office. unique instrumentation, specific repertoire and arrangements, and the keys for the "guest" singer at the chupa are all worked out in advance. He'll sing both "Mi Adir" and Mi Von Siach" in G, we're told. Um, actually, he sings "Mi Von Siach" in Db, as we are left to discover in dealt-time.

"The Beis Yaakov Girl"
A lovely MO engagement party in warm weather. The bare-legged bride is wearing a small dress which leaves little to the imagination. On the gift table, wrapped in clear cellophane, is an elaborately arranged display of cookware, with the pièce de résistance, in a place of honor atop the stack -- "The Beis Yaakov Cookbook"!

"'B' Section Guy"
This peep only sings the "B" section to the song. Can be spotted in shuls, usually davening Musaf for the amid.

"High Note Guy"
This peep can also be found in shul. "High note Guy" will use a tune like Carlebach's "Ana Hashem" for Kedusha. He'll start at the top of his range. Naturally, when he reaches the B, instead of making do by dropping the octave, he'll blow out his voice singing beyond the top of his range, with the expected results. He will have difficulty completing the rest of Chazoras Hashatz.

Peep Time!

"Harmony Guy"
We run into this peep a lot. He's always singing harmony. Usually a third, but sometimes another interval. He generally harmonizes fairly nicely until the end of the phrase, where he typically goes off the rails. He never seems to notice, though.

"The Beat-boxer"
This peep will hang out near the band during soft instrumental music, providing the rhythm for those times when there either is no drummer, or the drummer isn't "pumping" enough for him.

Peep Mail

Naftali writes:

I keep forgetting to send you this peep.  This one happens all the time with minor variations. The family member that is singing at the chupa.  He comes over to rehearse during the Shmorg/Kabalas Panim (even though I am there 2 hours before the wedding with plenty of time).  Takes a few minutes to choose the key for each song.  We then practice the 2 bar intro I will give him to prompt him on his chosen key.  At the chupa all is going according to plan - or so it seems!  I play the intro...and then horror of horrors!...he starts singing in a totally different key!

I'm pretty sure we met this peep in the past, but it's always good to check in with our old friends.

Still More Peeps...

"The Loser"

This peep is an interesting one. Someone will come over to the bandstand with a pair of car keys. A few minutes later, the "Loser" is there to claim them. A bit later, a cell phone is turned in to the bandstand. Guess who it beings to? That's right! The "Loser" is soon back to claim it too. A little later, he's back asking if anyone turned in a wallet...

"At Least He Goes To Minyan"

This peep breaks his teeth on the bracha he's honored with at Sheva Brachos. When he gets to the end, he confidently finishes it off "... Yotzer Hame'oros."

"The Repeater"

This scintillating character is invited to speak. Invariably he (for some reason, this offender is always male) will say something like "the next part of my speech was said twice already, but since no one listens to speeches, I can say it again." Then, he'll repeat a Torah thought that has already been shared by a previous speaker or two. For extra credit, he may point this out again after he speaks, as in "maybe you'll hear that thought another six times tonight, if you listen to the rest of the speeches."

2012 Peeps

It's been a very busy season.. Here are some peeps for y'all!

"The Queer Mashgiach"
We've met this guy a bunch at gigs and mentioned him before.
This convo was too good to pass up...
QM: "I see you know all the pretty Jewish songs. Do you know standards too? Starts singing "Summertime".
DM: [starts comping]
QM: "Hi! That's a lovely color on you. That dress is fabulous! Is it cranberry? It looks cranberry to me."
QM: "Summertime, and the living is easy..."
We can't make this stuff up!

"Balbelili Guy"
This peep won't just do the slow song he's been asked to sing, because "I'm not just the slow song guy". So, after plowing through a slow song, he sings a medley of the choruses of Balbeli Oto and Yalili, switching back and forth between the two as though they were the A and B of one song.

"The Sheet Music Helper"
This peep comes over during the dance set, and decides to helpfully pick up the discarded piece of sheet music on the bandstand floor and hand it to us. (It was the fanfare, which we've already played.) Never mind the fact that we're reading another chart, and have not indicated in any way that we want to be handed this music. When we say that we do not need it and that it's ok for him to just leave it on the floor, he simply can't accept this, continuing to attempt to get our attention, and show us where he's putting it down on a chair near the bandstand.

"The Attendance Monitor"
This peep monitors the bandstand, noting and commenting if any musician is not on the bandstand while the band is playing. This self-appointed peep wants to know "where the 2nd guitar player went", for instance. (Actual question). We're tempted to tell him exactly which stall in the bathroom he's in.

"The Mind-Changer"
This peep is special. They meet with you before the event, discuss repertoire, requests, etc. and all is cool. Then, at the event, they change everything on you. When the "mind-changer" is the mother (in-law) and these last minute changes conflict with the bride's plans, look for some sparks to fly.

Time for More Peeps

"The Yekke"

Just got off the phone with a yekke (German-Jewish) client who hired me for an upcoming event. He booked me for three hours from precisely 6:20 to 9:20. I told him I don't mind giving an extra few minutes until the party ends at 9:30, but he insisted that a three hour booking mean exactly three hours.

"The Foodie Waiter"
Offers us soup. Comes back 10 minutes later with another bowl to say "I gave you the wrong one. Try the squash soup, it's much better!"

"The Fat Couple"

These overweight peeps stroll past the bandstand on the way out. The caterer has helpfully placed a shelf unit full of deserts right next to the band. As they pass it, and keep going, the wife looks longingly back at the display. "You don't need that!" says the husband. They continue on towards the door, until, in one swift maneuver, the wife does a 180, heads straight for the shelves and grabs an eclair. Whereupon, the husband looks at us, shrugs, heads over to the shelves, and downs an eclair whole. Sated (for the moment) the two exit stage left.

"The Color Commentator"

This guest stakes out a place against the wall near the band. Casually leaning, he provides color commentary to an imaginary audience, about all of the guests entering the room. Sample quote: "Hehey! Captain Homo is here! Oy!

"The Roach Observer"

This peep handles janitorial services. When the bandleader arrives to set up and notices a dead roach in the middle of the band's space, he points it out to this guy. "Yeah!" The peep laconically responds. "He's still moving a bit. I been watching him all afternoon!" Naturally, it doesn't occur to him to remove said roach until specifically asked to do so. For fun, here's a pic of said hypothetical roach.

"The Cheapskate"

This peep will come up to the band at an affair and inquire about a date in the immediate future, say within the week or so. The sole concern is price, and their budget is not realistic. Sample inquiry/offer: "I'm running a singles event next Sun. I'm expecting 100 or so people. Can you come play for the first half hour of socializing and then the last hour of desert. I don't need you to play for two and a half hours in between. I can offer $100 and you'll get exposure."

"Bathroom Phone Call Dude"
A word to the wise. If you're a waiter skipping out on the gig for a few minutes to make a romantic call to your girlfriend, a center stall in the bathroom is not the place to go. Even if you're not actively using the bathroom, the folks on either side of you sure will be. The constant bathroom noises -- urinals flushing etc. -- will not be conducive for romantic talk. Not to mention the fellow who just had too many tacos at the buffet, and who is now in the next stall...

"The Hapless Sound Tech"
We're setting up to play at a dinner, and there's a sound tech next to us setting up a wireless mic/speaker for speeches. "I can't get it working", he complains loudly. "It was working fine yesterday." After a couple of complaints, we take a look. He's got the wireless mic switched on, the portable powered speaker switched on, but no receiver and he had nothing connected to the speaker inputs. Um, think that might be the problem right there?

"The Demanding Client"
We need music now! We know you just played for over an hour straight and there's a long dance set coming up right after this short video presentation. But, our audio isn't working, so we need you to put down your dinner plate and come play background music for the video. No break for you! Oh, and we'll hit you at the end of the gig with the "Check Bearer"

"The Check Bearer"
This peep works for the organization hosting the event. He is not the contact person you've dealt with before/at the event. His sole job is to bring the check to the gig, and hold it all night (in case you don't play appropriate background music?). This peep inevitably leaves before the event is over, without handing over the check. It will take at least a week before you receive said check in the mail.

"Get On With It"
This peep, a parent guesting at the end-of-year senior dinner will not put up with the school administrator's bloviating. When said adminstrator, after a long and meaningless intro, announces that he will not proceed until there is absolute silence in the room (some students were whispering), this peep shouts out: "Get On With It!" It took the flustered admin 20 minutes to recover, and things moved quicker after that.

"Mrs. Dropped Skirt"
Ladies, a word to the wise. If you've lost weight or have an issue with the clasp on your skirt, you might not want to wear it for dancing at a wedding! Just saying!

"Can't We All Just Get Along?"
Played a wedding where there were four separated seating sections, each walled off by mechitzos. One for men, one for women, and two for mixed seating, separated by side, since there was a divorce in the family and apparently his & her relatives/family members could not be seated in view of each other. So sad.

"The Trailer Park Chupa"
Played a backyard chupa, where the host decided it would be a good idea to decorate the yard in trailer park style. Seriously. They brought in a Port-a-Potty, which was so not needed. Then, they "decorated" the potty by hanging old flowered bedsheets from clotheslines around it. The day-long rain didn't help, things. Neither, did the yellow and blue striped tent they had installed for the chupa. Or the handmade "exit" signs they felt compelled to add to the white tent the cocktails were in...

Say What?

"Bugs Meany"
A Chanel-wearing older woman approaches the piano player at a nice soiree at a 2 Million dollar apartment in NYC to talk about how wedding bands ALWAYS play too loud. Totally not a concern with a piano/violin duo, one would think. After finishing her rant, she heads over to the buffet for some veggies. Returning with a plate of carrot sticks, she confides: "when the music is too loud, I just put these in my ears. Tissues don't help, but these are spongy and block the sound." It was tempting to play loud just to cause her to do that.

"The Goth Rebbetzin"
This older peep shows up dressed like a rebbetzin in prim black suit/white blouse combo, sporting a snood. Oh, and black lipstick. Mamesh tznius!

"Suicide Girlfriend"
If you invite your eccentric non-Jewish childhood friend --yes, the one with a handlebar moustache, who looks like a circus ringmaster -- to be your best man, keep in mind that he might bring his Suicide Girl model girlfriend as his date. She will wear a strapless/backless/sleeveless ball gown, which will show off her full body tattoos (featuring flaming skulls & naked women) covering her entire right shoulder/arm/back. And, she will be in all of the photos. Just an FYI.

More Winter Peeps

"Rerun Guy"
This peep, speaking at a sheva brachos, announces that he's repeating a speech most of the guests heard at last night's wedding, because the panim chadashos missed it. He then proceeds to repeat the entire speech verbatim. At least, that's what he claims.

"The Starving Host"
This peep lines up a number of speakers at the sheva brachos he's hosting. He speaks last. All of the speeches are before dinner is served. He asserts: "Rather than letting you eat now and dreading my upcoming speech, I'd rather speak now and have you look forward to the food!"

"The Proud Mother"
Quote: "You play as good as my daughter!" We hope that's a compliment!