"You know what this party needs?" says this peep to the bride's mom. "Peacock feathers!" This party planner sells the family on "peacock centerpieces" suspended over the dance floor. There are nine of these globes suspended from the ceiling. Each is made out of peacock feathers and is about three feet in circumference. "You know what else this party needs?" Candles, suspended in midair by fishing line, burning in glass bowls, hanging under and around the peacock feathers. "It'll be so romantic."
Ever wonder what burning feathers smells like? Well, at this event, we get to find out every few moments, when each draft of air sets more feathers to singeing.
"Dance Slut"
Because nothing says congratulations on assuming the ol hamitzvos, like Daddy hiring a swivel-hipped Latina with a spray-painted on dress to gyrate on the lit up dance floor while the guests enter the Bar mitzvah ballroom for dinner. Naturally, this is the gig the yeshivish "name" vocalist brings his eight-year old son to, so that he can see what daddy does for a living.
"Line Dance Guy"
This peep is the one who comes over and requests a song that totally clashes with the vibe the band and ba'al simcha have set for the evening. We could be playing acoustic folksy versions of Carlebach classics, nigunim, and the like, but "Line Dance Guy" must have Yidden, or else. Oy! Way to ruin the mood.
Psachya sends in a few as well:
1) "The Camp Counselors" - Apparently, the groom (or bride) has been an icon at Camp Whatever for the last ten summers, so they invite a bunch of camp staff to the wedding. As a result, any popular songs that have been co-opted by the camp must only be sung with the new camp lyrics. Example: (to the tune of "Ai-Didi-Dai"): "Camp Whatever, Camp Whatever, Camp Whatever is the best!" (repeat until comatose). Another result - camp shtick must be performed *immediately*, no matter what else is going on. ("Hey, we did a great camp shtick to the tune of the "Indiana Jones" theme song - can we do it RIGHT NOW?!" "Well, maybe we should wait until the bride gets down the aisle, don't you think?")We'd met the "Camp Counselors" aka the "Camp Songs Guy" here.
2) "The Elevator Kids" - those are the kids whose sum total of the wedding experience is riding up & down & up & down & up & down the elevator. (Halls with glass elevators are particularly prone to this phenomena.) They race each other with the stairs. They hold the doors open forever. And they are particularly active whenever a musician needs to move equipment through the elevator quickly. Of course, some halls have become aware of this problem, so they lock their elevators. Which leads us to the third peep:
3) "The Only Guy (Or Gal) In The Hall With The Key To The Elevator Who Can Never, Ever Be Found." 'Nuff said.
